


Not so Far Away

by DreamedInScarlet



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Cutting, Depression, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Self-Harm, sad but not really, secret
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-21
Updated: 2017-09-20
Packaged: 2019-01-01 04:52:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12149010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamedInScarlet/pseuds/DreamedInScarlet
Summary: Dan isn't okay, he hasn't been for a while. He's depressed and self-harming and he just can't be what his family wants him to be. Everything is shit until he sees a weirdly intriguing boy on Youtube. What happens when they finally meet?Not everything can be perfect, it never will be, but that doesn't mean it can't be okay.Set to begin around 2009.TW- cutting, suicidal thoughts, self-harm





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! 
> 
> It certainly has been a while. This is one I've been working on for a while. The theme is very near and dear to me and I know, unfortunately, some other people can relate. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think or if you have any suggestions for future works.
> 
> TW- cutting, suicidal thoughts, self-harm
> 
> This work is unbetaed and a work of fiction. 
> 
> xoxo DreamedInScarlet

Dan is a very intelligent, articulate, creative young man. He’s always got the right, sarcastic words. Yet he can’t explain that deep dark feeling culminating in his stomach and down his throat. Some say it’s the feeling of being pitted, shelled out. Others say it’s a stabbing, flaming-daggers kind of sensation. Neither of these explanations sufficiently describe the void he feels. He has no words to describe the hollow, dark, emptiness inside. It is the feeling of not being good enough.

It is the feeling he associates with dying. Loneliness can feel like a slow torturous death. He wants to be okay with being alone, but that paranoid feeling that everyone hates him is just too strong to ignore. He wants it to stop.

It all started six years ago when a hesitant but excited Dan Howell traveled many hours and even more kilometers to meet his best friend and hero, Phil Lester. Actually, no, that’s where he wished the story started. In reality, the story of Daniel James Howell began much earlier. Not, like, conception… that is how he _literally_ began but we’re talking more symbolically. Dan was raised to hate himself. Everything that he was seemed to contradict what his family hoped for him. They wanted a baby girl, they got a boy. They wanted him to be sporty, they got an actor and musician. They wanted a straight son that could give them biological grandchildren with a nice woman. They got a gay, confused, teen that would never meet expectations. That’s what killed him the most. Really, that’s what led him to want to kill himself the most.

He couldn’t help but feel like a constant disappointment. That’s what he was thinking about the first time he took a pen cap and lightly scraped it across his wrist. That’s what he thought about when the pen cap turned to scissor blades, to razor blades. With every slice along his skin Dan could see his sins. Every drop of blood was his confession and penance.

He did it to take control. He was so frustrated with himself because, by normal standards, he actually had a good life. He didn’t have a reason to be so… depressed. He rarely let himself use the word, but in retrospect there’s no doubt about it: Dan was really depressed. His parents never pressured him into being anything he wasn’t. They made him try out for a few sports teams and tried to set him up once or twice with a friend’s daughter, but when they realised it wasn’t his thing, they stopped. He could still sense their disappointment. He felt it every time something made him smile: musicals, video games, a cute waiter. No, they weren’t angry, they were just disappointed. They didn’t know what to do with their articulate, musical, gay son. They didn’t know so when Dan started spending an abundance of time on the internet or alone in his room they didn’t stop him. They hardly interacted with him at all really, but they did care. They bought him nice things and took care of him, they just didn’t know what to say to him. His younger brother is the kind of son they wanted so Dan was more than happy to let the rest of his family act like a family unit without him. Dan stayed isolated and punished himself for being such a failure.


	2. Chapter 2

The cutting started at about 14. It was winter and long sleeve shirts and jumpers were acceptable. Dan, the forward thinker that he is, realised that those scars can stay visible for a long time, depending, so he quickly moved to his thighs. He knew no one would ever want him in a way that would expose his legs, his secret. Who would want to love and bed such a freak?

Cutting in the shower is addicting. Watching the tainted blood swirl down the drain, finally escaping Dan like everyone and everything else, it’s freeing. It’s a release. It’s not enough.

The light-headed high is cheaper and easier than drugs and it’s a punishment at the same time. Dan always has been a multi-tasker. The real fun is in the danger. He never knows when he might cut wrong, when he might bleed out just a bit too much, pass out, who knows. It’s not that he wants to die _all_ the time, but it would be so much easier than _this_. He had hoped that things would improve as he aged, but nothing did. He was allowed even more independence, more time to let his thoughts fester. More time to hate himself. More time trying to escape through the internet.

That’s how he finds Phil Lester. Dan was searching, as he frequently did, for something to give his life some meaning or even a moment of happiness. He stumbles onto Phil’s YouTube channel by accident. He had typed ‘lonely’ into a search bar and that’s how he comes across Phil’s video “Lonely Day- System of a Down.” It isn’t anything particularly life-changing, but he feels some connection to the weird boy, so he clicks ‘subscribe.’ Not long after that, Dan starts tweeting @AmazingPhil. He doesn’t expect much to come of it, and nothing does, for a time.

When Dan feels especially pitiful, he tried to watch one of AmazingPhil’s videos or tweet him. It’s more of a coping mechanism than anything. It is largely an unsuccessful coping mechanism, but Dan was trying. He would still watch as the dark blood dripped off his pale white skin, but now he gives a passing thought to a weird lanky boy not so far away while he does so.

Things change a little when Phil starts tweeting Dan back. Mind you, they don’t change drastically, but they do change. Dan and Phil exchange a few tweets before they start DMing. That’s when things really pick up for Dan. He could finally connect to someone. He didn’t tell Phil about his cutting, but just having Phil in his life makes him a bit better.

“We should meet, like, in person.” Phil blurts out one day while they Skype. They’ve been doing that for a few months now and Dan has never been happier.

“I would really love that.” Dan smiles and casts his gaze down towards his gangly legs, blush rising on his cheeks. He really would love to meet Phil.

“Then it’s settled. We’ll meet.”

“Phil, I don’t think it’s as simple as that. This kind of thing takes planning, money, parental approval.” It isn’t easy but it also isn’t as hard as Dan had imagined. His parents are happy to see him go out and spend time with a real person. Sure, they are wary of this internet-man, but Dan talks about Phil enough for everyone to know he is real.

One month later Dan and Phil make eye contact for the first time in the crowded train station. Time doesn’t stop like everyone says it does; if anything, time speeds up because before Dan knows what’s happening he is in a bone-crushing hug, Phil’s head resting atop his own. They spend the day walking, hand-in-hand, around Manchester. After an exhausting day, they return to Phil’s surprisingly empty house.

“The rest of my family went to my Nan’s for the week. I spent a lot of time there over the summer holiday so I didn’t feel too guilty about staying home. Plus, I really really wanted to meet you in real life.” Dan smiles a shy smile, head ducked down, long fringe falling in front of his eyes.

Dan knew about Phil’s affinity for _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_ , but he had not prepared himself for a five hour marathon. He didn’t mind, really. Watching a kick-ass heroine with her own life and love problems was a bit of a relief. Not to mention, he got to spend those hours with Phil as well as Buffy.

The next day, they decide to film a video, the first ever Phil is not on Fire. Several questions and a clusterfluff later, Dan can’t imagine how he’s gone his whole life not knowing this ridiculous weirdo. He’s only sure of one thing by the end: this is the most fun he’s ever had.

Cat whiskers giving him confidence, he says as much on camera and, more importantly, in front of Phil. He doesn’t get a moment to think about his decision because Phil tackles him to the ground just as the last word leaves his lips.

Lying there, pressed under the weight of the man who has given him a reason to pause before picking up a blade, Dan feels less constricted than he has in years. He turns to face his… his Phil, and looks into his brilliant blue eyes. A second and a breath later, both boys let their eyes blink closed as they hesitantly press their lips together. It’s awkward. It’s, like, really awkward because Phil’s elbow is pressing against Dan’s stomach and Dan’s knee is stabbing Phil’s side and it’s just not ideal. They silently seem to decide to cut their losses, sit up, and move on.

Nothing was said out loud, no verbal agreements were made, so Dan figures, fuck it. He turns to face Phil, pressing the older boy’s back against the base of his green, blue, and black boxspring. Moving his legs so they straddle Phil’s, Dan ignores the confused expression he’s receiving, presses his hands against Phil’s rosy cheeks, and kisses him. The kiss would have been intimate regardless of Dan’s position, but the rather compromising state they are in makes it easier for Phil to thread his fingers into Dan’s hair and pull him closer.

Dan puts all the feelings he hasn’t been able to say into this kiss, just in case it’s the only chance he gets. The movement of his lips against Phil’s says _thank you_. When his tongue finds Phil’s, he’s saying _you saved me_. Dan’s biting at Phil’s pink lips means _I think I could fall in love with you_.

Phil reciprocates with just as much fervor. Perhaps he could fall for Dan, too.

They don’t move too fast after that. Something deep inside Dan tells him that they have all the time in the world.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	3. Chapter 3

Dan gets accepted to The University of Manchester, a mere 32 minute drive from Phil’s new flat. They have never had that talk where they define the relationship. Whenever they’re able to get together, they make videos, play videogames, and yes, they kiss.

A few months into his stint at uni, Dan decides living on his own, even though he becomes friendly with his flatmates, is not going to work. He already goes to Phil’s to do laundry so they decide it’s only natural for them to share the place.

“So, here’s the guest room.. Or, I guess it’s your room now.” Phil shuffles around, gesturing to a space Dan has seen hundreds of times.

“I know where the guest room is, you spoon. What’s going on with you today?” They hadn’t been awkward around each other for ages now. Dan’s inquisitive eyebrows draw a sigh out of his counterpart.

“It’s just, we don’t have to talk about it. We never talk about it.” The last bit is mumbled, but Dan is nearly fluent in _Phil_.

“What are you on about? We talk about everything. Remember last week we were talking about your stomach incident--”

“Shhh. Yes, I remember. I just, I mean… we never talk about _us._ ” Dan could play dumb, but he knows exactly what Phil is saying. They don’t ever talk about what they are, what it all means.

“I love you.” Just like their first kiss, the younger of the pair takes a momentary leap of faith.

Phil responds with a similar leap, right on top of Dan yet again. This time, he’s kissing in earnest right away. They fall onto what is now Dan’s mattress.

Pressed firmly under his best friend, Dan cranes his neck and Phil eagerly nibbles at the exposed skin. A guttural moan escapes Dan’s parted and swollen lips as Phil sucks on the sensitive parts of his neck, his hands roaming up and down Dan’s slim frame.

It comes naturally after that, Phil coyly sliding his long fingers under Dan’s shirt, peeling the garment off and tossing it to the side. His mouth finds its way to Dan’s nipples and the younger can’t resist the urge to scratch his nails down Phil’s back. One hand moves up to tangle in Phil’s hair while the other pulls his body closer.

Phil’s hands slide from Dan’s neck to the small of his back, eventually inching down under his trousers. With a quick inhale followed by a groan of an exhale from the brunette, Phil continues down, cupping Dan’s bum firmly in his hands.

Dan bites at Phil’s ear and moans “more” and that’s all Phil needs before pulling away to unfasten the button of Dan’s tight jeans. It’s a real team effort to shuck them off, but once the clank of the metal button is heard hitting the floor, Phil’s mouth goes to kiss the newly exposed expanse of Dan’s thighs.

Dan’s eyes are closed, his mouth is parted, and his hands are tucked under his head beneath a pillow as Phil’s mouth places a kiss right where his boxers meet pale thighs.

“Dan?” Phil questions, wide eyes drifting from Dan’s legs to his face, like he’s seeing Dan for the first time in his life.

“Wha-- Oh my God!” Dan yelps, scrambling to pull the duvet over his scar-ridden legs. He forgot. Somehow after all this time, all the suffering, he forgot for a moment what his life is like back in Wokingham.

“Dan.” Phil repeats.

“No, Phil, I’m so sorry. I can’t. You can’t see, it’s-- I’m--”

“You’re what, sweetheart?

“Ugly, broken, damaged. Take your pick.” Dan’s dejected voice breaks Phil’s already tender heart. Dan’s eyes squeeze shut, but a few tears manage to escape onto his tired features.

The Youtuber scoots up to sit next to his best friend, someone who has a few more secrets than was once thought, but his best friend regardless. “You are none of those things, Dan Howell. You are gorgeous, intelligent, witty, sometimes a right prick, but I love you for it. All of it.” Dan’s sad face changes to one of shock, meeting Phil’s eyes for the first time in minutes.

“I didn’t say it back.” Phil whispers, using his thumb to wipe away the tears trickling down Dan’s flushed cheeks. “I didn’t say it back because I got too excited, but God do I love you, Daniel James Howell.”

The tears come heavier now, and neither boy can really distinguish what tears are happy or sad.

With a sniffle, Dan manages. “Does this mean I shouldn’t move all my stuff into this room then?”

Laughing, Phil answers, “I’d say you can put your stuff in my room. Our room. We need a place to film anyway.”

“ _Phil._ ” Dan says joking admonishingly, “I didn’t know you were that sort. Film us in the bedroom, I never!” Phil shoulder bumps the brunette, but lets it slide. This is his life now, he had better get used to it.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue

Part of Dan expected everything to change then. He hoped that this magical, fairy-tale moment would eliminate all of his problems and fears, but that’s not how life works.

That brings Dan’s story to 2017. He and Phil are in London, they released two books and went on tour, he’s immensely successful, but that doesn’t mean everything is better. Cutting is an addiction, so much so that sometimes carving out bits and pieces of himself feels like a part of him. That doesn’t go away just because a smart, beautiful, kind person loves him. It certainly does help though. When Dan gets that urge, he texts Phil. When Phil gets that text from Dan, he walks into the next room of their flat and holds him close. He doesn’t say that everything will be alright. No one can say that for sure.

What they both know is that the bad days come less often. Certain things trigger relapse, some days are just bad days, but so many days are good. So many days Dan thanks the universe for the life he has, the life he has with Phil. There were so many days where he wanted to end everything because nothing seemed worth the pain. He was so wrong.

Life is hard, it’s the hardest thing to go through. People suffer needlessly. People hurt each other. People hurt themselves. That doesn’t make life worthless. Dan has accepted that he is and never will be what his family always wanted of him. Phil drilled into his head that “there is no way to change yourself, nor should you. You are beautiful, smart, and perfectly imperfect. You should be exactly who you are because you make the world a better place.”

His parents wanted a girl, an athlete, a heterosexual child, a lawyer. Phil got Daniel Howell, and he couldn’t be happier. They aren’t perfect. Dan isn’t cured, but _damn_ they’re happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End! 
> 
> Please let me know your thoughts, as I suffering writer and final year uni student I greatly appreciate the feedback.
> 
>  

**Author's Note:**

>  
> 
> What do you think? I appreciate any thoughts, comments, or kudos! 
> 
> Suicide is very real and very serious. Please talk to someone if you are having suicidal inclinations. 
> 
> https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/  
> 1-800-273-8255
> 
> http://www.iasp.info/resources/Crisis_Centres/


End file.
